What a Friend We Have

Welcome to the readers of “Worth Her Weight”, a blog for women with weighty issues. The blog’s author recently introduced the group to this site.  Many of these courageous women are working to break dependence on anything temporary as a basis for identity. One of those raised a number of questions about friendship. It seems she has had a repeated pattern of lopsided friendships. Like you, I had a few questions.Are we talking about the friend zone where someone is settling for friendship when they really want romance? Is this a co-dependant thing where one is focused on control of another? Is she an insatiably needy? No to all three, I checked. She says it is just a matter of unbalanced attention to friendship.

In one example she sacrificed for a friend in need, spending copious time and other resources. The woman seemed grateful at the time, but then moved on, apparently uninterested in maintaining the bond they had formed.The sobering truth was that this was not the first time she had disappeared.They had been through the same pattern of foul weather friendship previously.While the questioner was certainly not in the friendship for payback, she was troubled by her friend’s easy taking, and easy withdrawal. She did not expect equity or reciprocation. I guess she did expect something closer to balance.

As usual, I have some opinions about the topic. I am more interested, however, in your ideas and experience. What principles and emotional markers do you rely upon?

What is your expectation of friendship?Is there a social contract implied when the gift of time and effort is accepted?Should our investment balance over time as we support and celebrate through the seasons of life?We are told that self-sacrifice is the model. Can it go too far; is it wrong to default to the giving side? If it is a mistake then how long is it healthy to hang in?How do I determine when the giving is unhealthy for me, or even for the other person?

Some of my reluctance to comment comes from the fact that I am blessed with a few men that I can tell or ask anything.I know that we share a commitment that will cross time zones and the rules of polite company to stay connected, available, and accountable. Our investment in one another requires trust that is the product of time, vulnerability, and truth delivered respectfully. I know I am lucky, but I also know becoming this lucky was a lot of work.

Another portion of my reticence is an artifact of failure.I have messed up multiple friendships.I’ve given away time that belonged to my wife and children.I’ve stubbornly attempted to fix people against their will. I’ve expected more than a friend was offering, and I’ve offered less than what was expected. I’ve over shared, and I have been aloof.

So, I know I don’t have all the answers.I do know that the perfect man loved all and gave his time to some. He loves undeserving people long before we care, and long after His patience should be spent (Rm 5:8).He loves us more than we love comfort, money, or chocolate. He loves me more than I love getting my own way.

Accordingly, when I perceive that I am in a lopsided relationship I will remember my unbalanced relationship with Jesus. I don’t have it in me to give that way.To make and keep promises to friends that will not compromise keeping promises to those I am to love and serve first and best. But, I trust that as I live with the awareness of His love and strength the fear that compels me to protect or control loosens its grip (1 Jn 4:16-18).

Now, I have made it clear that I do not have this all figured out (of course, you knew I didn’t, but now you know I know).Let’s hear your thoughts on the topic; is friendship a dying institution? Is lopsided friendship the norm, or is it the exception? Your comments are encouraged either below or by email.