Thanks for Listening

“So, how are you really doing?” he persisted.  “So, you read that post?” “Uh huh” “And you really want to know?” “Yep”.  So I told him.  It took about 20 minutes, but it summed up to, I’m more peaceful, I’m trusting God’s character, and I’m listening.  I’m listening for his personal attention, and expecting his guidance. “How do you figure what God’s will is?” he interrupted. “Can we come back to that later?” I disappointed. OK, he acquiesced. (So we will come back to that in the next post) And he listened.

He listened like it was an art form, like he had all day (and I knew he did not).  He made a space of quiet that I could fill.  The honor of being gifted attention helped me organize my jumbled thoughts and see them differently. They coalesced in a new way when they were spoken into that safe and unhurried place. There was time for me to reflect on the mistakes of logic and runaway emotion; and to confront them. It helped me to move toward clarity before he had offered a complete sentence. So when he did speak I was open.

I took it to heart and was reminded that I do not always listen with the goal of helping the person to feel understood.  Particularly with those I am closest to I find it hard to give the gift of my full attention. Oh, I’m not saying I fall into the rookie trap of auditory multi-tasking.  My problem is internal.  I’m listening at 350 words a minute to my loved one speaking at 150 wpm.  This gives me lots of time to be insecure about how they might blame me for the feelings they share, and to prepare my defense. If I fail to catch myself in time I will be interrupting with questions that are really about me.

At other times, with more noble motives, I truly want to be helpful so I interrupt with questions about motive or underlying emotion. As we told each other in grad school; psychic friends are lonely because counsel is not well received until it is requested.

I’ve also made myself difficult to share with by I slipping into detective mode.  I get a hunch based on an inference or a poorly chosen phrase.  ‘Let me see if I am tracking with you so far’ degrades quickly to ‘where were you on the night in question?’  Then, when there is hesitation to share further I treat them as a hostile witness. Too late, I remember that you can’t win a conversation.

I am sure my kids recall times when I listened quietly and they read judgment in my posture and demeanor. They say you can’t not communicate.

My friend listened to understand.  Once I felt understood I was much more open to advice, confrontation, and encouragement. James (1:9) said we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.  I’m persuaded that I can give those I care most about understanding by listening calmly, reacting slowly, and rejecting defensive listening.