How Are You?

Most times when people ask how I am doing they are just making polite conversation and the polite response is to tell them I am fine so we can move on.  But when friends ask I tend toward truth.  When they have asked me recently I’ve told them that I have been struggling lately.  This gets a range of reactions, some have delved deeper to listen and pray.  Others have changed the subject.

I don’t want to be Donny Downer, but I also want to live honestly with those I am close to.  I have been the guy who appears to be open because he talks about his struggles in the past tense, once they are figured out. But I left him behind.

I’ve talked about it with some who would endure the disjointed conversation.  I’m reading Psalms, praying, listening to counsel, and staying accountable.  The problem in this season of isolation is not the stress of work or relationships, fatigue, or whatever preceded it.  The quandary is the missing feeling of God’s presence and direction.  It’s not a crisis of faith, as my convictions are deepening.

I’ve come to think of it as what ‘John of the Cross’ described as the dark night of the soul.  It feels like a call with a bad connection.  You can’t hear the other person, but you know or at least trust that they hear you.  It’s a disturbing lack of feedback I would normally experience as comfort or guidance.  Will I pursue the relationship with these perks? Yes.  Does it deepen my dependency on God? Yes.  Do I want it to continue indefinitely? Not so much.

As this dark night nears dawn I am encouraged by David’s honest expression of his distress.  He asks God to hear his prayer and says, “my soul thirsts for you like a parched land”.  He is at the end of himself (always a good place to begin with God) when he chooses to remember the times when God’s intentions and voice were clear.  He is not shy about his desire to be done with this season.  In eight verses he pleads with God; answer me, do not hide from me, direct me, deliver me, teach me, and lead me on level ground.  Perhaps the key to his boldness is in the last line, “for I am your servant”.  David does not forget who God is, or quit trusting in response to the silence.  He submits and willfully believes.

I will come through this stronger in my convictions and dependence on Jesus.  To borrow from another of David’s dark night songs, “This I believe; I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Put your hope in the Lord, be strong, and let your heart be bold. Put your hope in the Lord” (Ps 27:13-14).  So, in other words I am being refined, how are you?