Me & My Shadow
The conundrum of self-disclosure is perspective. I agree with Jim Applegate that leaders must be chief confessors. Concurrently, perspective requires that a person in the midst of a change-inducing crisis is muddled. It is the nature of change that we muddle. So it has taken me a while to write about my shadow reaction, my struggle for awareness, and the decisions to stop hurting those closest to me. I may be on my way to ancient, but this is not ancient history, so I am treading lightly.
The problem with muddling is that it is hard to know when you’re done. This has been a long process and there have been a few times I thought it was in the rear view mirror, only to crash into it again. So, as I write this I am in a stressful season of life, but I am at peace and those closest to me say I’m doing well. This is important, as I cannot lean on my own understanding in this.
On multiple occasions in my adult life when in the midst of enduring a stressful situation (which I have chosen to do most of my adult life) there has been a tipping point where I became hyper vigilant about detail, questioning, and critical of other’s. I have insulted those closest to me as I have questioned both their caring and commitment. The two things that bother me most about this are that I did this while continuing to treat the general population well, and I was completely unaware that I was doing it.
First lets talk about the how and why, then I will tell you how the change happened and the healing began. My shadow is the part of my personality is only revealed by stress. Granted the amount of stress required to trigger the shadow reaction varies from person to person. Like the shadow cast by the sun it is a negative image of my normal thinking, feeling, and behavior. Don’t think opposite, like Jekyll and Hyde as much as an ugly exaggeration of normal personality. By the way, you have a shadow too.
Under normal conditions I have been described as calm, intense, emotionally aware and contained, planful, and considerate. Add to this that personal history and hard wiring formed a personality that approaches chaos with the arrogance to believe that it can be sorted and made healthy. I approach conflict when others have the good sense to avoid it. It takes a lot of stress to trigger my shadow reaction, but sadly I have never been to one who noticed it first. It happens without warning signs. One day, when the stress was just a little worse than the previous day I would move beyond contingency planning and coaching to obsession with detail and questioning of every decision made by others. This was worst with those closest because I they were held to a higher standard. In my pride I saw myself as working more, and caring about the outcome. With those closest to me add a sense of betrayal and a look from me that says, “Really, you too are going to let me down?”
Most often finding the end of my loving wife’s endurance with tears or anger would break the spell. Because the behavior was outside my awareness my first step would be justification of this exaggerated version of adaptive traits. As a part of this I added injury to insult by contriving ways to blame her for my errors (e.g. “If you would just point it out to me when it’s happening I can explain how you are misunderstanding me” #whatanass). This was followed by remorse and frustration that I could not recognize and correct this repetitive pattern. I just could not see my own shadow.
I won’t say that I am beyond this; I can only say that it has not happened for some time. Before that it occurred less often and with quicker recovery. Here are some things that have been a part of the healing
- I stopped caring if you think I am flawless. I practice believing in the grace of God that allows me to respond with changed behavior, not to earn favor but in response to it. This allowed me to stop defending myself to people who are full aware of my flaws and love me anyway.
- We reviewed the dance, the repetitive pattern that we move though together. We discussed the conditions that lead to the shadow reaction and the warning signs that others noticed before I did. This allowed for two benefits;
- We agreed on how we would talk about warning signs. Since we had agreed upon the script it was more likely I would accept the invitation to awareness.
- As I began to see the signs more clearly I could decide to stop, take time out, and look at my shadow. This involves asking myself if I am obsessing, if I am taking responsibility for outcomes that are beyond my control, and if my questioning nature has turned critical.
- Because it is not a conflict either of us needs to win, we can discuss and pray about the stressors at hand, and get both of us on the same side facing the problem. Then we can find solutions and defend against anything that would divide us.
I am still growing. Each of the successes, and especially the failures, has galvanized me to know that they can be handled or endured. I don’t care less, I don’t work the problems less, but I do know that the outcomes will not define me; and there is freedom in that.
If you would like assistance with resources to raise awareness of your shadow reaction I will be happy to share.