Dancing with Anger

Today she seemed desperate.  She was full of despair when she logged off of Facebook ; “Sorry, I just can’t do this anymore”.  A hand-full of pills and just enough information that someone would rescue her in time.  It was the proverbial cry for help; she could not or would not be responsible for herself anymore.  She chose the risk she reasoned would end the struggle one way or the other.  There was desperation and pain.  There was a decade long pattern of depression and beneath the passive victim persona was a hot core of anger.

The rescue came from friends and family.  When she is beyond the physical crisis she will feign anger at her rescuers and settle in to being cared for once again.  We will pray that the hindrances from within and without will be overwhelmed so that this time she is released from the oft-repeated patterns.  Her deepest need is not self-esteem but for acceptance of grace.  With grace she could begin to acknowledge her anger, to break the patterns of denial and self-protection, and to soften her heart toward forgiveness.

It can begin with a deep and undeserved wounding.  It can begin with discontent that the comfort I’m entitled to is out of reach.  It can begin with a slight, real or imagined.  Whatever the origin it begins with resentment and it grows with the choice to keep hold of it.

Packed into the last verses of Ephesians 4 is a description of the descending dance of anger.  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

When I choose to hold on to my resentment, to nurture the bitterness, it begins to work its way into my being.  The natural reaction when surprised by the bitter taste of a tainted fruit would be to spit it out.  So, what would cause me to savor it instead?  Will I use it to justify my retribution or to rationalize my distance from people?  There are many self-serving reasons to preserve bitterness. 

We all react with anger to the ills and inconveniences of life.  Paul cautions earlier in the same chapter that the anger we feel should be handled with care.   He warns that we must be honest with one another and deal promptly with our anger; lest it tear down and destroy relationship and community.  But, when I choose to hold on to bitterness it will begin to boil.

The meaning behind the word for anger is boiling inside.  None of us need to think back too far to recall an instance in which we were quickly brought to a boil by an evil or thoughtless act.  At any point I could stop, pray, and consider forgiveness, tenderheartedness, and kindness.  But, I hold on and the pressure builds.

The word behind wrath describes the pressure breaching the boundaries and boiling over as the anger is displayed.  Unless grace is applied the anger will feed on the reaction received and escalate to clamor (loud crying or yelling).

When I am very angry I forget logic and everything but winning.  When the justification of my argument fails I will discredit the source with as much slander as is required.  If allowed to continue I will move beyond injury to reputation and seek to do bodily harm.  Just as is true in court, a line of severity is drawn between striking in the heat of the moment and acting in a planful way with malice of forethought. When the malice is turned outward it leads to injury and murder.  When turned inward it can lead to suicide.

Now there is a chance to speak the truth.  She can open the shame and self-loathing to the light of grace.  She will find that she is not blamed.  She will have opportunity to forgive and to begin anew.  Soon will be a chance for her friends and family to be honest; carefully and tenderheartedly expressing the anger for her near abandonment.  Speaking the truth about their fear, and confusion, and prayer on her behalf.  Praising God for the chance to grow together tomorrow.