Blaming Grandpa
This is a replacement chapter for all those who purchased Getting Over Me and found Chapter Five to be a jumbled mess due to a formatting error. Thanks for your interest and for investing in you. Please consider this unjumbled chapter, and let me know if it is helpful.
The past is where you are from, it is not who you are. I repeat myself. So why will I now invite you to examine the past? Would I blame my parents for the family systems that shaped my personal world? Or would I blame their parents? And what about God himself visiting the sins of the fathers on the third and fourth generation, would he really do that? I admire people who do well in spite of tough beginnings and I am already on record as being in favor of personal responsibility. We play the cards we are dealt, and all that. But I must allow that to play well requires knowing the game, as well as knowing your own drives, and reading the motivation of others at the table. Similarly, understanding the context of our personal history will help us understand the rules we are following, the patterns of our emotions, and the motives we ascribe to others. We do this in part because these patterns are hidden in plain sight. They are normal to us because they have always been a part of our world. In order to take responsibility, and ultimately to choose healthier patterns, we must first be aware of that the pattern exists.
Would God make my grandchildren pay for my sin? My assumption is that he would not punish them for my sin, but that the implications of my sin will ripple through my family as they repeat the patterns I have modeled. I do believe that most of the generational visitation is in the form of consequences rather than judgment. John Piper sums up the paradox well:
Even in the early texts that describe the visitation of the fathers’ sins on the children, the children are described as those who are opposed to God and therefore deserving of punishment, and those who continue the heritage of blessing as covenant keepers. For example, Exodus 20:5-6 says
“I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing loving kindness to thousands [of generations], to those who love Me and keep My commandments” (see also Deuteronomy 5:9-10; 7:9). And Psalm 103:17-18 says, “But the loving kindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep His covenant and remember His precepts to do them.”1
As an important aside, I believe God is at once just and loving, so if he did judge the children to the third and fourth generation it would be his prerogative to do so. It is not that I do not question him; it is only that when I am done questioning and find that I am still unsatisfied I do not believe that it is he that is lacking. I wrestle with him over questions and at the end of my understanding I choose to trust him and believe that that he is infinite and therefore privy to more information and context than I currently have available. This is a default setting for me as I choose to believe him. There are a few principles and doctrines that I would rather not believe to be true. I would much rather dilute them with historical context or an alternative interpretation. There are times when it would seem more loving to do so, but having wrestled and questioned and finding no honest reinterpretation I choose to believe him. If I offend you in the process I am truly saddened. Yet I believe that he is right, gracious, and just so I would rather disappoint you and trust him beyond my understanding then appease you and disappoint him.
As stated above I believe that the ripples of our experience and our reactions to it, both the positive and the negative, do cross the generations. In fact, I believe that we often see children acting out their parent’s secret sins. Whether this is known and transferred intuitively or overtly the generational effect is becoming more obvious. While any child could tell us that a parent’s selfish behavior has lasting implications sociological research is catching up. A New York Times article from many years ago exemplifies this; “Increasing clinical evidence and a recent study suggest that the subtle changes in an adulterous parent’s behavior can unsettle children, regardless of whether the truth leaks out and even if the children are too young to understand what is happening.” 2
Families have patterns to everything they do from how they play to how they fight. Some of these are conscious dogma that we consider to be part of our legacy. One example would be a father telling his son, “As a member of this family you have a responsibility, you are a Brown and Browns never lie”. This may or may not be true, but it is a family persona into which every member is indoctrinated. This may include everything from character, to politics, to religion, to culinary preferences. One important personal note of example on this point is that I have instilled in my children a fundamental distrust of anyone who prefers Miracle Whip. It is a silly thing that I pass on in good humor knowing that it is based solely on what seems right to me based on my experience. I like real mayonnaise because I was raised with it. I was raised on Oleo (look it up) and had to learn to love butter. Many of these preferences are just unquestioned habits that are borne out of our family context. It is right because it is my normal.
Think about what normal is to you and your family. In mine it was normal to have my three sets of grandparents over at holidays. My mother’s parents divorced and remarried in the 1940’s, long before such things were fashionable, and they somehow got along well in our presence. I was a teenager when I became aware that this situation was atypical. To begin seeing these things will help expose the lies we hold to be self-evident. And then to begin changing.
I cannot overstate my impatience with umbilicus-centered lives, forever on hold, continuously in therapy, or in confession, or otherwise rehearsing the past as an excuse not to change in this moment. We are called to a life of repentance not a life of confession. This repentance means we see our errors and go a different direction. It is sad and frustrating to see a person stuck in confession, refusing to move on out fear. The sin may not have been theirs when damage was done, but I believe that to know the way forward and to stay put will perpetuate the sin.
Am I saying that change is easy, quick, or painless? Of course not, I am not even expecting you to do it using will power alone. Change will take God’s power and your choice to trust him with your belief and your actions.
So, when I invite you to examine your past it is to invite you into an activating new perspective. To be intentional in seeing your past with new eyes there are a number of good practices I will recommend.
Journaling
One is to write your insights and memories to keep them in one place. This way you will notice patterns that have previously eluded you. Try not to edit this as if someone else were going to read it. I often out prayers as I find it easier to write to a person. I may write my unedited thought to the person I am upset with, or whom I have wronged. Having journaled these thoughts and feelings often brings some perspective and helps to sort them out to a pint that I will share them with someone. Regardless of whether or not you choose to share thoughts from your journal with others I recommend against allowing anyone else to read it. The moment you begin to write as if another, even the most trusted other, will read it then you have begun to write for an audience and the quality of the experience will change. To be most effective it must be raw and unedited. I think of it as throwing up on paper, I may feel better but the experience is not improved by an audience. I want to be honest about my feelings and responsible about my expression of them. So, as I journal I express the feelings and explore the thoughts. I often deliver these letters to God or others by way of the fireplace.
Photo Anthropology
Another way to take a new look at your past is to scrutinize old pictures. Pictures evoke memories, whether they are of the event or of stories you have been told of the event. So, unless we do so intentionally we will see the photo historically rather than actually seeing the people as they were in that frozen moment. I would invite you to look at these photos as if you do not know the people depicted. What would you guess to be the relationships between them, how were they feeling that day, what conclusions would you infer? Only after applying this forced perspective would I ask you to consider the specifics you remember or have been told. Remember that most photos are taken at gatherings where people are on their best behavior. Still you can infer a good deal from looking at multiple pictures of the same people over time. Though most of the time they will be posed and smiling, read the eyes, if you were to isolate the eyes would they agree with the rest of the expression? Where did they stand or sit in relation to others. We are looking for new impressions rather than conclusions. Once you have reviewed the pictures you may decide to show them to someone else, ask for their impressions, and then tell about the people depicted. In this way, you may find that new memories and perceptions surface.
Graph Familial History
Another intentional method of filling out your perspective of the past is to complete a genogram. Also known as a family diagram, this is a pictorial display of a person’s family relationships and medical history. More than a family tree it allows the user to visualize hereditary patterns and psychological factors in family relationships. Repetitive patterns of behavior are more simply identified with it use. Once a pattern is recognized one can be conscious and willful in choosing a new response. I do not mean to infer that all I need is insight into the pattern to affect a change. But it is an important factor, to which I will add prayer, and confession, and submission to God’s power to free me from the bondage of being a stimulus–response creature. We are not lab rats as we can decide to change, and accept God’s power to do so.
To complete a family diagram I start with a blank sheet of paper. Starting with myself I draw a square and a circle for my wife. I then use the genogram symbols to depict my opinion of the relationship between us. Keeping this focused on me, I draw in symbols for my siblings and my parents. At each level I try to express the defining aspects of relationships with symbols. Normally a few generations will be plenty to see the influences and repeated patterns. These, I believe, are the blessings and curses that cascade to the third and fourth generation. A complete set of instructions, examples, and symbols can be found online.3 You may choose to draw your family diagram by hand or to use the free software offered on the site.
One instance of the patterns that may be better understood though this process is shown in my family diagram where a pattern from one grandparent’s line brought a history of sexual abuse, another line had a legacy of depression treated with alcohol. The nexus of these lines was my family home where there were no alcoholics, and no one was sexually abused, but the patterns were so pronounced in the prior generations that we behaved in many ways as if we were. One unquestioned generational leftover was that my mother unwittingly shielded us from our safe and protective father. One of the outcomes was the chosen profession of the children, a priest, and two mental health professionals. All of us determined, not always consciously, to heal our family, our neighbor, and ourselves.
As stated above these family diagrams will also show the legacy of blessings that visit the generations and these should be celebrated as well. An early step on the journey of discipleship (growing to be the person God had in mind when he first thought of you) is seeing the past as an important influence in shaping your perspective. Standing on the shoulders of those who have gone before we can improve our perspective, and with it we can improve our relationship with God, our spouses, our children, and our communities.
Questions for Reflection & Discussion
1. What do you think or feel it may mean that God is jealous? (Ex. 20:5-6)
2. Does God want us to understand him, or just to trust him? What kind of relationship do you think he wants with you?
3. What generational patterns of blessing or dysfunction do you suspect a family diagram would show?
4. What is your favorite peanut butter? Why?
5. What workout will you do to explore the patterns of your upbringing; the Genogram?, the phot anthropology? Journalling? Whichever you choose you may record it on the Getting Over You worksheet.
References
1. John Piper, Does God “Visit the Sins of the Fathers on the Children”?, blog post February 2000 desiringgod.org
2. Andree Brooks, Experts Find Extramarital Affairs Have a Profound Impact on Children, New York Times, March 9 1989
3 Kathleen Galvin, Genograms.org, Constructing interactional patterns, 2015
4 Wikipedia