With all due respect, will you please just man up?  The nexus of all the topics discussed in Paul’s letter to Ephesus as key to the life to which we aspire is found in this verse;

4:13[That it might develop] until we all attain oneness in the faith and in the comprehension of the [full and accurate] knowledge of the Son of God, that [we might arrive] at really mature manhood (the completeness of personality which is nothing less than the standard height of Christ’s own perfection), the measure of the stature of the fullness of the Christ and the completeness found in Him. (Amplified Bible, could you tell?)

Beyond gender, this is about mature manhood.  It’s about willingness to die on a hill.  It’s about willingness to live each day with sacrifice of ego, goods, and power for the greater cause of another’s will.  It’s about strapping on spiritual, and often physical, armor to fight in service or defense.  It’s about squaring off against evil even when it resides within oneself.

When bitterness would take root in the selfish old nature and boil over to erode relationships it’s time to man up. Man up to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving.  Paul’s instruction is to put off the anger by dealing with it honestly and timely.  The method he prescribes is threefold.  While the English words seem prissy they require toughness and discipline to deploy.

First, he says to be kind.  When I am angry I find kindness particularly difficult.  When I am angry with you I am focused on your faults.  Faulty people are excellent targets for my anger because they deserve the wrath and education I am so willing to deliver.  Kindness does not focus on faults.  Kindness is need-centered behavior.  The decision to see a faulty person’s need is the act of flipping a coin to see the other side.  When I am ramping up and your faults justify the impending rant I can choose to flip the coin; to explore the need that may have motivated your faulty (and might I add inconsiderate and completely uncalled for) behavior.

He says I can choose to be tenderhearted.  This seems a rather effeminate expression until we consider the word behind it.  I’m told that the Greeks did very few successful surgeries, but they were an inquisitive lot when it came to autopsy.  They noticed that a number of people who expired in time to leave an interesting corpse were found to have a heart muscle incrusted with plaque.  Only by scraping away the calcification could they reach the inner workings of the heart.  To be tenderhearted then one must do the hard work of removing the hearts protective coating.  He is telling us to choose to be vulnerable.

In his book No Longer Strangers Bruce Larsen told a story that changed the way I saw this whole concept.   He described the power in vulnerability with a Gandhi-for-Cowboys analogy.  I don’t remember much of the book and I am certain the story has grown with repeated recall.   He told of two cowboys facing each other a stones throw apart beneath the clock tower.  The townspeople peer from behind scant cover to witness justice as decreed by the code of the west.  As the clock begins to strike noon all present are aware that the duel will settle the dispute.  The fastest draw and surest aim will define a winner and a loser.  The winner will ride away from a fight of honor without repercussions. 

Two proud men follow the ritual that will vindicate one and kill the other.  But then, at the strike of eight, one man moves slowly and obviously to unbuckle is gun belt, letting it slip to the ground. By the eleventh strike he stands defenseless, and everything is changed.  By his act of vulnerability the contestant gives his opponent time to take careful aim and to consider his kill shot.  But the shooter must also consider what he and every witness knows, that shooting an unarmed man is a cowardly act of murder.

On the occasions that I have chosen tenderheartedness I have kept this in mind.  In many cases I’ve gone so far as to disarm myself in a valued relationship by telling the person exactly what it would take to hurt me.  Perhaps the verbal banter had gone to far, and too often. I decided it was time to man up so I said, ”Let’s be clear, it looks to me like the sarcasm we enjoy has gone beyond play.  When you take your shots in that particular area (of attributes or character) I get hurt.  I’m not pretending to know your motives, but I am able to tell the difference between smiling and baring your teeth.  No matter what your motive has been to this point, the next time it happens we will both know that you intended to hurt me”. 

It works about a third of the time, but I’m trying.  Tenderheartedness is really about being vulnerable and trusting God to protect and defend while we focus on doing the right thing to edify.

Lastly, Paul tells us to put on forgiveness.  Not that you don’t deserve retribution and a lecture, but that I choose not to press charges.  It’s about releasing you from the obligation to repay me.  It opens the door for reconciliation but it does not require it.  It releases me from my need for vengeance and allows for kind and vulnerable action to flow from that grace.

This is grace that has only be authored by the Father and modeled by Jesus and empowered by the Holy Spirit.  Grace driven kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness are the antidotes to anger and the essentials of growing to mature manhood.  Be powerfully angry, be honest about it before it corrupts, and replace it with incorruptible love (6:23).